Forgiveness

I got the news today that my uncle has passed away.

It's been a very interesting and emotional couple of days for me. I talked to his daughter, who I consider my sister even though we are cousins by birth, yesterday. She told me he was in intensive care and was not doing well. She was trying to get in touch with our mom to let her know. "I know you don't care," she said.

I thought about that for a moment, and said, "You know what? I do care." And I did. All I could feel at that moment was compassion, for him and for her. This was a man who wreaked havoc and destruction everywhere he went. He was angry and bitter and abusive. He made my childhood hell, and I cannot even imagine what my sister lived through. For most of my life, I have not been able to think about him without being consumed by rage and hatred.

As I have worked through the steps of recovery, I have prayed for the ability to forgive. I have prayed to be released from many resentments and grudges, and I've seen it happen. But I had not been ready to release this one. I hadn't asked for the ability to forgive him, because I didn't really want to yet.

But yesterday, when I examined my heart, I realized that all the anger and rage was gone. All of the bitterness was gone. And today, when L. told me he had died, I was truly free. Somewhere along the way, without me even asking, God took away the burden of this resentment and gave me the peace of true forgiveness.

I can't express how grateful I am to have learned to live this life of recovery. I could never have found my way to this place of serenity alone.